I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We have started to decorate penises.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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