you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
