If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
