hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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