:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
