Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
