can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
