I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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