WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
