rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize