Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
