I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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