Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
