So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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