He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
