just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
