mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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