then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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