Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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