i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
