Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
