Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize