Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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