I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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