And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
