I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
