her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
