Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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