don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize