Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
