just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Randomize
