come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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