Don't make out with my wife yet
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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