So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
