the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
