If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Randomize
