I accidentally had phone sex last night
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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