my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
