dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
