so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
