I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Found your dick twin last night
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
