You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
