Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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