Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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