a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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