quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
