seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize