At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
