if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
