Do you still have your period?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
