she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
