Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
