So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
