Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
