i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
