Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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