While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
