we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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