We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
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