what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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