Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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