If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
