the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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